God’s plan for marriage is so much better than what we settle for.

Our Story
“Loving each other shouldn’t be this hard!” My husband, Jason, would say this time and time again. I would think the same thing. We both found ourselves praying for years for our marriage to improve. We knew it was God’s plan, that He is for marriage, and He is for us. But while we had faith, we could not attain real or sustaining change.

Looking back, Jason and I now understand that we, together and independently, weren’t ready to execute the healing God had in store for us. If He had answered our prayers on our timeline, we would have been robbed of the level of true healing and the amount of love, forgiveness, and unity we now have. We also would have been missing Him.

To experience all God has for you, you must first and foremost seek a relationship with Christ – a true relationship that includes relinquishing control and submitting your life to His authority. We tried healing ourselves and our marriage under our own authority, and we found no healing and no growth – just a vicious cycle of hurt. 

We didn’t know that truly letting go of ourselves was the key that we were missing. Once each of us had done that, we started to heal. Jason and I are very alike in being extremely independent, “fixers.” We thought we had it all figured out and that we could fix it. The problem is that we humans are stubborn and think we know it all. We may not intend to, but unfortunately, we think we know better than God Himself about what is best for us or how to fix our situations.

Matthew 16:25 says, “for whoever wishes to save his life, shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for my sake shall find it.”

The Lord showed me this verse when I was on my knees, hopeless, with no answers and no direction. Dedicating my days to this truth is how I learned total submission to God, and it’s when He knew I was ready to let Him do the work that I couldn’t do alone.

We all know how circumstances, relationships, struggles, and even tragedies can be life elements that teach us along the way. We know that this is how God teaches us many valuable character traits such as patience, bravery, respect, compassion, confidence, trust… and on and on and on. Jason and I had gone through many trials in business, with people and finances, to a point where I remember telling God, “I know you’re teaching me something here… again… but can I be good? I don’t think I want to learn anymore.” I knew our struggles would not end there, and the years that followed unveiled the trials we would face. Eventually, through many hard lessons, He gave us what He desired for us. Was it easy? No! But was it worth it? Yes! 

Through our marriage healing journey, after letting go of our own control and finally focusing on our individual growth (instead of each other’s), we realized that what God desires most is a relationship with us! He is never going to stop pursuing us, waiting for us to be ready to fully receive Him and what He has for us.

Learning What Marriage Truly Is
Marriage is a gift from God, a unification of two becoming one as we see in these verses:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” 
Genesis 2:24

“And the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 
Mark 10:8-9

This is the picture of Christ and the Church!

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” 
Ephesians 5:25

This unity, after the fall of man, became a union of two sinners who repeatedly fail to love how God commands us to love. As imperfect beings, with imperfect reactions, unrealistic expectations, and unpredictable emotions, we’re going to mess up and miss the mark. Even while doing our best to follow Christ, we can make a mess of our marriage. Showing love as He does, in all moments and every day, is impossible for us. But with the right knowledge, understanding, tools, and intentionality, we can lessen the hurt we cause each other and use moments of conflict to grow closer to each other and to God. Intentionally leaning toward each other and seeking Him each day is essential.

“For better or for worse” is an all too often forgotten and unkept vow in a marriage oath. God knows there will be “worse”; there will be bad times and hurt. But it was also never His plan that we do this without Him, nor was it His plan for us to give up when it becomes difficult or strained and end the union we committed before Him.

In real life, “You may kiss your bride” does not mean “happily ever after.” Not to pop the bubble of wedding bliss, but a healthy and happy marriage doesn’t just happen because you’re in love – it takes a lot of work and intentionality. 

Finding Restoration Through Re|Engage
Shortly after we had begun our second session in Re|Engage, our first-time co-leading, the phrase “Think Less, Love More” was brought to my attention and is now on a wall in our kitchen as a daily reminder. I’ve been guilty of overthinking Jason’s actions (or inactions), what they mean, and how I should respond. My responses were often based on a self-created emotion born out of a lack of understanding. I had to come to a place of understanding and accepting that Jason is not me; he is his own person. He is not going to respond, react, communicate, or act just as I would (and as I was unrealistically expecting).

A critical marriage principle that we learned in Re|Engage is to believe the best about your spouse. What an eye-opener! We can tend to escalate our conflicts due to emotion and defensiveness, and when this happens, we have to remember that we are on the same team! We remind Re|Engage participants on a regular basis to try to: 

• Pause… don’t instantly react! And remember, you love this person so much that you took an oath to share your life with them “for better or for worse.”
• Remember that they are not perfect, just as you are not perfect, and expecting them to be is irrational and impossible. 

A key to building or healing a biblical marriage is knowing that in the grand scheme, it is not your spouse’s responsibility to make you happy. Pledging “to love and to cherish, from this day forward” is not an oath to create and sustain happiness. Happiness is temporary and emotionally driven. Joy is what we get through accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior, having Christ’s presence in our hearts, following Him all of our days, and relying on Him for the internal contentment that produces a joyful heart. Creating joy is not your spouse’s job. 

Re|Engage is a powerful walk through all relational aspects of marriage, providing understanding of why marriage can be so hard, the roles we play in manifesting difficulties, and how we can ease these tensions. The group focuses on what God says about relationships and marriages and provides practical applications of these truths. It’s like premarital counseling; you can only really put it into practice when you’ve experienced the things you were once cautioned about. Re|Engage is a great resource for couples that want to reignite their marriage, reconnect, or just make sure they’re staying healthy.

Before you start thinking “we’re good, we have a peaceful understanding in our marriage,” let me mention this: we have walked with other couples who, just as we did, became roommates at best. In marriage, it is easy to drift apart through daily life, careers, focus on children, changes in parenting, and life stages. God’s plan for marriage is so much better than what we settle for. Our “happily ever after” may not be the fairy tale that we imagined, but it is a wonderful loving gift from God that requires us to do His work. Through Re|Engage, we have seen marriages restored from infidelity and couples that have recommitted to each other after having divorce papers in hand. When we lean into God, it humbles us as we grow closer together and closer to Him.

Jason and I found the marriage that God intended… a marriage that is better than what we even knew we could have or knew to pray for. Every day we are grateful for this gift, grateful that we didn’t give up on each other, and grateful that we didn’t give up on God’s plan for us!