Don't Rescue Your Kids

For too long, we protected our daughter from the natural consequences of her choices—and that is where we went wrong.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “I just love my kids to death”? Is that even possible? We  almost did it with our daughter. About her senior year in high school, she started making bad  decisions we knew threatened her life. So our response was 100% fear-driven to protect her  from her decisions. Like parents do, we fought for our child even when she resisted. This went  on for 18 years before she finally surrendered and turned her life around. She’s now happily married with a beautiful daughter, living her best life. God has truly restored the days the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25).

What we learned through all of this is that, for her to get to a place of surrender, we had to get to a place of surrender ourselves first. The question we get asked most often is “What would you do differently?” I’ve spent a lot of time over the years pondering that question as well. What should we have done? What could we have done differently? She made the decision to use drugs; we tried to keep her from it. We had a family intervention, changed her high school for her senior year, helped her find jobs, made sure she had a way to and from work, a place to stay, and food to eat, and even got her to 11 rehabs in 12 years. All of these things we were doing came from a place of fear for her life, because we loved her so much and thought it was our job to do all we could for her. When we would try to let go and stop helping her, she would take that to be a withholding of our love, and we would cave in and help. We learned later that we were quite literally loving her to death.

This went on for about eight years, then we began going to a Parents of Addicts group at the  church we were attending and learning how to detach with love and allow God to do His work. After all, she was His. After about four years of being a part of that group, we came to the place of surrendering our daughter to God. The truth is that we were getting in between God and her, short-circuiting His plan for her. One day I literally wrote a letter to her and God, surrendering her to Him, and that is the moment things started to change. It took six more years of struggle and heartache for her to get to the place where she surrendered as well. Recovery is not for the timid or fearful, for her or for us. 

The most loving thing we can do for our kids is to follow God’s example in parenting. Since the  beginning, God has given clear choices and clear consequences. We get to choose. The earlier the kids start living with the natural consequences of their choices, the stronger both the kids and the parents become. Wisdom is developed this way.

For too long, we protected our daughter from the natural consequences of her choices - and that is where we went wrong. The best lesson learned is one where full consequences are felt. That’s why, as we raise kids, giving them choices early on is not harmful but can help them learn well as they feel the weight of each consequence. Unfortunately, when our children become teens and beyond, and we are faced with the reality of their needing help when we know better, it is really, really hard. It is too late to ease into a rhythm of learning; now, both you and your child have to suffer the reality of exercising a muscle that has lain dormant all these years.

This is why it’s so difficult to NOT rescue your kids. We are just not good at it. It doesn’t feel  loving to withhold, or to let them do without when we have so much. It feels like we are the  bad guy for not stepping up for them. Put simply, we are just not used to the pain of natural consequences. It is painful to see our kids suffer.

My advice for parents of kids is twofold. For kids of any age:

1. When put on the spot to help; put as much time as possible between the opportunity to respond (crisis) and the response (solution). If allowed the time, your kids can and will figure out a solution. This builds competence and fortitude in them. Have you ever been in a crisis and prayed for God to intervene, and it seems as though He does not? Maybe that is His response: His faith in you to solve the problem. God’s timing is always perfect but rarely hasty.
2. Never do for your kid what they should do for themselves. This depends on their age, of course, and training may be needed. Failure may be likely until competence is achieved, but they get to choose and must live with the consequences.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he grows older he will not abandon it."
Proverbs 22:6

"Now I say, as long as the heir is a child, he does not differ at all from a slave, although he is owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by the father."
Galatians 4:1-2

As a parent, you are to guard and manage your kids until they are of legal age (18)—but the older they get, the less control and influence you have. It stands to reason that the sooner the process of clear choices and natural consequences starts, the better. Guarding and managing kids today is not for the faint of heart. But the more we exercise the choices-and-consequences muscle, the stronger we become.

The good news is that no matter where you are in the process, you are not alone. God becomes the size of our problem when we turn to Him. Once our daughter knew she was alone to solve  her own problem, she knew where to turn. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 is our life verse. "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord,  'plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call  upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'"

All of us had to come to the place of seeking the Lord with all our hearts. He was indeed found, and He has given us hope and a future. 

I’ll end with this: Not everyone makes it out of addiction alive. Our daughter did, and she knows she is one of the lucky ones. Our hearts break for those families that are dealing with any level of addiction, and especially for those families that have experienced the loss of a loved one. You can get help through Re:Generation like we did, but you cannot love someone out of addiction. You cannot talk, guilt, shame or beg them out of it. It is a choice they must make. They must seek the Lord with all their hearts, and He will be found. Parents, you must as well.

Be strong and courageous.