My Testimony
He is already waiting for you to open the door. Just call out His name and ask Him to meet you right where you are.
From childhood to early adulthood, we went to church. Morally, the church helped me uphold certain values and display acceptable manners. I attended every Sunday school class and every service, served in the nursery, went on youth trips, and even participated in Bible drills. I remember burning all of my secular CDs one night with my youth group, huddled around a bonfire full of shame, only to go out and buy those same CDs a week later. Although I lived a life full of good works, fun church trips, and friendships, something was lacking in my life. I didn’t realize it until I got my first taste of freedom and my first ticket out of the house and into adulthood. I was ill-prepared to face our broken world alone and lost a piece of my faith at every wrong turn I took. To be honest, I never had a personal relationship with Jesus to begin with. Needless to say, mistakes were made.
Throughout my early adult life, I experienced both pleasure and pain, happiness and depression, trauma and love. Praying to God felt like a chore, and my Bible collected more dust than the figurines on the tallest shelf in my room. For every heartache I found myself in, I blamed God for all of my pain. I began finding ways to numb my feelings, and over time, I decided that God could not possibly be on my side.
I never considered how I was the first to turn my back and walk away. I was living for my flesh and dying on the inside because of it.
Then, one warm summer night in 2010, I met my husband, Scott. Something special about Scott stood out to me. Maybe it was his beard and slicked-back hair? The only issue with Scott I could find was that he was an atheist. However, I was so far removed from the faith of my childhood that I decided that was okay with me. During our time dating, Scott was battling a drug addiction to heroin, and that battle nearly ended us. Nonetheless, something about us kept us fighting for each other. After years of struggling with his addiction, Scott got clean and has been sober for 12 years. But that is his story to tell you another day.
Fast-forward six years later, Scott and I married and had our daughter, June. From the beginning, June consumed our hearts, and we wanted the absolute best for her, so we moved close to my parents, who, unbeknownst to us, had been praying we would.
After years of struggling with developmental issues with June, she was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Chung-Jansen Syndrome. Only 400 people in the world have this chromosomal disorder. With her syndrome came many hard challenges, both developmental and behavioral. My initial first-time-parent desires of having a hipster city kid and living the typical American dream quickly vanished. Banging my head against the wall with June and her struggles, I started asking God if He was punishing me. Why is life so hard?? Why can’t anything be easy? Why do I feel SO LOST? Because I was.
I tried fulfilling my life with worldly things I thought could replace the void I held in my heart. Scott and I tried meditation, yoga, stoicism, and self-help books. Everything I tried left my heart feeling even more restless.
During the pandemic in 2020, Scott came home from work one day, asking me what I thought about God. My heart skipped a beat. With an atheist husband and my life feeling so lost, just the mention of His name had me in tears. I wanted to talk about God again but was afraid. I knew how far I’d gone. At times, I completely denied there ever was a God because I didn’t understand why bad things happen to “good” people or why I was experiencing depression and pain. Yet God still pursued us.
Scott and I would stay up late talking about God and how churchgoing would look for a family like ours. What about June? June struggled with impulsivity, strong and overwhelming emotions, and a fear of being separated from me. Doing anything without me was practically impossible for June, but God knew.
Over time, my mom contacted me and invited me to the first-ever Women’s Breakfast at church. I was desperate to go but also terrified. I knew I was about to walk into a place where God was present. He didn’t feel present in my life because all I did was cry out to Him in agony and blame Him for everything under the sun. Our house was nowhere near a Christ-centered home.
As soon as the worship music began, I wept. In fact, weeping is an understatement. I broke down. On my way home from the Women’s Breakfast, I looked up to the heavens and cried out to Jesus. I asked Him to forgive me and to please take me back.
As Pastor Jason reminded me later, Jesus never left.
God was working on our family from the beginning. His power is made perfect in our weakness. I’ve wrestled with God many times, asking why. Why do I have a child with special needs? Why is parenting so hard? Why is life so hard?
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
Therefore, when I am weak, then I am strong.
In my adolescent years, I missed real opportunities to deepen my relationship with God. I rarely read my Bible on a devotional level and prayed out of guilt. I was checking the religious boxes, thinking I was avoiding an eternity in hell. I was not pursuing a relationship with Jesus and truly living out the gift of His grace. Checking those religious boxes is exactly that – just checking boxes. When faced with our broken, dark world where evil reigns, I was quickly tripped up and lost my footing.
If you feel as if you’re going through life checking boxes or feeling like you’re wandering down an endless path with no place to go, I strongly encourage you to pray for a real encounter with Jesus. He is already waiting for you to open the door. Just call out His name and ask Him to meet you right where you are.
Revelation 3:20 says, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.”
One thing I know for sure: God really loves you.
The same Jesus who walked this earth performing miracles, healing the sick, and comforting the lost and lonely is the same Jesus who is pursuing the lost and lonely today.
“Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.”
Hebrews 13:8
It took endless bad situations for me to realize I could not do this life alone. I need Jesus, and life with Jesus is like a tree planted by a stream with an infinite supply of living water.
“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.”
Psalms 1:1-3
